Episode 20: Goodbye Honeymoon, Hello Reality

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Alright, hello, and welcome to another episode of As the Dinosons Turn. We've been in Portugal going on seven months now, and I think that reality has started to set in. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I think it's just when you move someplace you have the nice shiny newness of it all. That's going to be true whether you're doing something drastic like we did, or you're just moving, you know, across town in the United States, or you move to a different state, or or whatever, reality sets in after a certain period of time, and I think we're at that point.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Well, I think that there are several things in play right now. So the first is that we are supposed to close on an apartment on Tuesday, which makes us very nervous because um the most or the highest amount of a loan that is of Americans you can qualify for is 80%. So all of our funds really wind up being tied up with that apartment. So that's a scary thing. Um, but at the same time, it's the mortgage itself is still less than it would be if it was in the United States. So we go back and forth there. Um the kids, you know, like Jack is struggling with making sure his Portuguese is up to level, or you know, his he's got all new teachers this year. And they're like, well, after six months in Portugal, we'd expect him to be so much further along. So we've got to get him additional help. And and so I think that there are a couple of things that make you nervous and and you're like, is this really gonna work? Um, and then there's always business stuff too. And so I think that we have a lot of things in play. Um there are so many things that I am grateful for um and that I don't want to lose track of that it's really hard when when life happens and life is hard. You know, like sometimes it just the last week and a half has been a lot.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

Yeah. I think that I think summertime and the kids not having school let us live kind of as tourists almost for through the time their school started again in September. And now it's like they go back to school. We I mean you and I have were working in the summertime, but it's more like, okay, gotta really buckle down now that school has started. I think that there's just a lot of things that have kind of happened all at once that I it probably would have happened in some fashion in the United States.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

I think it definitely would. I mean, you know, business is one of those things that it comes in spurts and is up and down sometimes and has hard decisions. Um I think the question we have right now is how is this all really going to work? Um, it'd be one thing if business gets tight in the US, I can always pick up a job or do something else. And that's not easy to do here. And so what does that look like if we get to that point? Um, I think we have that question. But are we doing like we have this? Are we doing our children a disservice by having them here? Are we doing the right things? Are we setting them up for success? And I think long-term we are. I think short term it's difficult sometimes. We had to really have the conversation of what is it gonna take to be here for at least six more months to get through this full year to really make it happen and commit to those things. And that was that was an interesting conversation because while we might have our reservations, and I know you definitely have your reservations, the kids are adamant that they don't want to go back, that they'll do whatever. They don't want to go back.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Um that we've come too far, that things are just starting to kind of click, you know, that they haven't accomplished what they want to accomplish, or we haven't accomplished what we want to accomplish yet. So I think that that's something for us to remember too. Like, why why did we do this in the first place?

SPEAKER_00 4:12

And reminding yourself that just because something is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. I think that's maybe it's a universal thing. It's certainly an American thing, at least a modern-day American thing, like, well, that's hard, so I'm just not going to do it. Or I got into it, it's hard, so I'm gonna just give up and and walk away. I think that sometimes that nags in my mind too of, well, yeah, maybe things have gotten a little more difficult, but the solution is to find an answer. Or the answer is to find a s whatever. The answer is to find a solution, not just to say, oh well, I guess it's not gonna work.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

What I love is that my English is starting to deteriorate at a level that that made perfect sense to me. But no, um, I would say that yeah, like it's it's not easy, but we we have to work together to find solutions, and we're having those conversations as to how those things are gonna work. Like Jack's going to take additional Portuguese classes and needs to be more involved. They both do. So they start choir next week. It's time for that to like happen. And we signed Jack up for um theater club in town, so he'll be part of the local theater troupe and and making sure that he has ways where he has to use the language more. But also, I think that this is one of those things where I mean, with when it comes to Jack, Jack is a highly introverted, introverted person. As a matter of fact, he is, as he says, I'm just like dad. And I think he's right. He is, he's very much like, you know, he's very quiet, but he's not not because he doesn't have things to say, um, but because he's wondering if it's worth saying them. And then also you get into the point where people are like a minute to two minutes ahead of you in conversation, and you're like, is it worth pulling people back to where I was to add my two cents? Um, but he also has always been a person who will never say something that doesn't have deep meaning for him. Like he's not a um superfluous communicator, let's put it that way, right? And neither are you. And so I think that part of this is um finding ways to grow and be the people that we are at the same time as becoming the people we are wanting to be. And so that's growth is hard. This is not this is not easy. This is not for the faint of heart. I mean, it's one thing if you are retired and have a lot of money, right? We've talked about this. You know, if you're not worried about kids or those types of things, I think that even that would be easier. We would figure that out in some way, shape, or form. But at the same time, it's I don't know how um I don't know how else to do it. Like this was this is a good time for them to be able to have these conversations and to see what this looks like. And it's made us so much more of a closer family. And I think that's part of the reason why they don't want to go. Like we had we literally had the conversation of do we leave now? Um, and how do we make this determination? In large part because we signed a contract on Tuesday, and and we're going to sign that contract if we decided that yes, we're gonna do that.

SPEAKER_00 7:30

So well, and you know, from a business doing what we're doing, I mean, we're not wealthy people. We're we're pretty much normal middle class Americans with middle class American income and middle class American credit card bills and stuff that we still have. And we're doing this based on just income that comes in through my business.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

And while everything's fine, it's like, well, there's always it's kind of like being a farmer. What if it doesn't rain? Right or something like that. Well, then you don't uh harvest the crops and it's a bad year. And you start thinking about that long term when you're trying to project things, you know, there's not there's what seems like is consistent income, but is it consistent income? How consistent will it will it be? And how hard would it will it be to make up for any changes in anything while we're in Portugal and still doing business in the United States? It certainly can be done. There's nothing about what I do where I have to be at a particular place at all in the world.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

And and we've been talking about that quite strategically and thinking about what are ways we can continue to ensure that the business is running as well as it can and that we are growing the business and offering, you know, the services that we expect to offer our clients, you know. Um, and so like we work really late into the evening to make sure that we are working at the same hours as US business, you know. I mean, making sure that that happens and taking those calls and all of those things when you can. It also gives us, though, I think the opportunity to get a lot more done before we have to start talking to people, which is a good thing because we're awake and we're up around in the mornings before all that happens. Um, we will be coming back for part of tax season to be in the US to meet with clients and to make sure that we are having those meetings and are able to have the conversations with clients and have the face-to-face time, which I think is important. And we've talked about that maybe Jason needs to go back more than that too, and he can do that if that needs to happen, and it's not as outrageously expensive as you would think it would be. So I think that we've talked about those types of things. Um, but it is the projections, the I need to control everything. What are the things that feel like they're out of my control? And how do I feel like I'm in more control? And the things that feel like they're out of our control are all cultural at this moment.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Well, and I guess from a business standpoint, I mean, I think it's potentially easier when you either are wealthy and you've got hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank, and so you don't have to worry about money coming in, or you're a retiree, and unless something blows up with your pension and it stops being paid or something, I mean, that money is always going to be there every year for as long as you're alive. And that's not how we operate, because if we don't work and bring in money, we don't get paid. And that would be true in the United States too. I think that the difficult thing is if something were to change and we needed some extra money and an additional shot of cash, how do we get that here? I think it's easier in the US. Oh, well, you could even get a part either one of us could get a part-time job somewhere easily in the US.

SPEAKER_01 11:13

Whereas here I mean, I I you can work, it's just that people really, you know, like when when they put out positions, I was like, oh, there's a cake shop. I would love to work there. I'm like, then I'm not gonna work 45, 50 hours a week, which is what they advertise for because that's a full-time position, right? Between 30 to 50 hours a week, and that's what people want, and that's the best way for them to get employees. And so I think that you're right, like it just feels like it would be easier in a known system with our contacts sometimes. At the same time, I think that also what we're coming to is that um this is gonna be a growth, like we're gonna have growing pains, and these are gonna be things that we were gonna have growing pains anyway, because there are parts of our lives that have to change or had to change because of burnout, and really for the well-being of our family and for our own relationship. And so the growing pains, I think, are things that we're working through here. Um, but they're good for us to deal with. We're gonna have to deal with them. I still feel like the good outweighs the bad of being here. Like I really do.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

Um well, and really the two things that have changed are we're closing on a house that requires a 20% down payment, which means all of our money is all the cushions gone, and that makes you nervous, right? And then, you know, Jack's school and some of the experiences with school, and I think those two things hit at the same time, which just caused some more introspection, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Right, and I think that quite frankly, um, because Jack is such an introvert, he knows way more than than what his teachers are giving him credit for or who have even seen, they haven't even evaluated yet. They're three weeks in, so we're at a very different part of the term than than others. But he's not going to talk off the cuff and it takes him a while to process things, and that's just who he is. So we'll work on support on all of those pieces. But we found what we think is a solution to help give him additional supports. But also, if we get to the end of this term and they're like, yeah, he's just not really gonna make it, then we're gonna do an online homeschool type of thing, and he'll take Portuguese classes and work on other things. Like we have options there. Um, the the uh gosh, the flies are like crazy today. They've been cutting down all of the um the vines, and so it's stirring up all of the bugs. So all the grape vines are coming down for fall. So it's like good grief. Um, I would say, as far as not having the cushion right there, that makes us nervous at the same time. I think that we're still doing better and we're living within our means really well here, which is something that I think in the US we were definitely not doing. And I think even with closing on the apartment and having, you know, $200 more or 200 euro more a month to go to housing, we'd still be well within our means. So um I think that it's just the nerves.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

It's nerves and then you know, reminding yourself, like I said before, of not doing kind of the stereotypical modern day American thing. And I know you talked about this with your students, the uh, oh what is it, resiliency, and like it's hard. So don't just stop because it's hard.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Yeah, and we're at the point now where life is busy and there are things that are hard. Um, and there are decisions to be made, and they feel like very permanent decisions, even though they're not. Um, and that's because things take so long here. So, to be clear, we made an offer on this apartment in May, and we're just now closing on it. So that lets you know how long all of this has taken. And all of this stuff kind of came down 24 hours, like all within itself. And so I think that that was a lot to process. Um very glad though that we're at a different place in communication as a family to say, here are the things that we're worried about, and here are the things that we're thinking, and and this is what this is gonna mean. And so having conversations with the boys too, like food prices and things are changing here, just like they are in the United States. That, you know, hey, you know, your chicken nuggets that you love are now 13 euros for a bag, so we're gonna have to do things a little bit differently. And you don't like it when I make them homemade ones and tough because it's that or none. Um, and and they're like, oh, okay, or you know, like, yeah, you're not a big fan of rice. And Tyler's like, it has no taste. I'm like, well, that's why you put a curry on top of it. And he like looks horrified. And I'm like, but we're gonna try these new things, like you're going to try these new things, the things that we eat, um, because it's all produce and all of those things, too. So I think we're all in a growth pattern right now and a growth spurt. I think the other piece of it is there are things that we would normally be doing this time of year to bring us comfort and celebration that we can't do and haven't been able to do because Halloween is not celebrated here really. And so there are other couple of costumes and things because there's a witchcraft or a witch festival town over that we'll go and visit, but um, it definitely is not Halloween, like we're not putting out pumpkins and all those things. As a matter of fact, pumpkins are very different here. I actually haven't seen like one that looks like a real pump, like a pumpkin, like a pie pumpkin and things like that from home. Um, we finally found moms once at the grocery store took a picture of it today because it's the first sign of fall that we've seen, besides that the um grape vines are coming down and everything's turning red. So it feels very different than the time of year that we really enjoy. And so I think that's another piece of where we are. We're like, well, what is this even gonna look like? Um, and we don't know, and so it's also making new things and and trying trying to create traditions or keep hold of some of the things that you really love and that mean a lot to you, but incorporate new. So it's just it's been a lot lately. It has been a lot. I don't know, like, and but there have been some good victories and stuff too, like you're progressing really well in your Portuguese classes. Tyler is an active part of his WhatsApp group at school, and they are hysterically funny and having a great time. Um, my therapy's going well, and I love the pottery um studio where I'm taking my classes. I found a group and I'm joining a stitch and bitch group that meets for the first time on Monday the 16th. I'm excited. It's a whole bunch of expats. We're getting together at a coffee shop and we're gonna stitch and bitch for an hour, and I can hardly wait. Um, and so you've got a men's group that will start in a couple of weeks, and the boys are starting activities, and Jack is, you know, hysterically funny and having a good time with comments and having conversations, little bits about football with the people that he goes to school with, or at least in saying things and them realizing that he actually knows something or something fun. And we have a lot of great, meaningful family time.

SPEAKER_00 18:35

Yeah, I think that it's not bad. It sounds bad. I think it's hard. But yeah, it's hard. I think it gets back to the the grass is never going to be greener on the other side, not really. There's trade-offs to everything that you do, and just because something is hard doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. And if we move like I know a lot of people say, I'm getting out of Iowa, moving to Minnesota. Well, there'd probably be the short-term rush of, oh, there's things that I, you know, politically, I like better. You like politically, I like Minnesota a lot. But at some point, probably about six months in, you'll be like, Well, I don't like this.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

I hate the cold, so Minnesota's not a mountain.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

I hate that it's cold, or I don't like the way people drive, or I don't like whatever. You'll come up with a list of things that you don't like because that's just how it works. No matter where you go, it's gonna be I don't like this about this place. Yeah, and so I think that we have to think about that too when we say, well, how long do we want to stay here? Is this a place we want to be? Well, you know, we move back to Iowa, we'll have a short-term rush of oh, we're back home, we're back familiar, and then six months later it'll be, well, why did we leave? Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 20:00

And so I really I think that when you're when you are considering doing something like this, it really is where are you gonna have fewer regrets? And that's the kind of conversations we've been having. Like, okay, this is hard, but are we going to like what are the lessons we're teaching our kids? And then also, like, are we gonna have regrets? Where would we regret? And I don't feel like we've done half the things we wanted to do when we got here, in large part because we're still waiting on Jack's cartel de Cal, his citizenship trip, like his residency card that was supposed to be here by I don't know, the end of August. They still don't have it because Ceph is a disaster and is going to be replaced with something else. And so we're still waiting on that card. We haven't even been able to drive the border to Spain. And you know, there are things that we want to be able to go and do and take the time to do it, and I think that um we are really trying to consider this is hard. Here are the things that we can do. We're going into problem-solving mode, um, and trying not to have knee-jerk reactions. Though I would say we're still know that we might have to move back at some point. And so we've been talking about what happens, like what would that look like? What would the threshold be of we have to move back? And it really is about business and and family at the same time. It's both. So I think that making sure that we've got things, our ducks in a row, and we're all working as hard as we can is important. But we do acknowledge that this is gonna be hard, and every few months we're gonna have the check in time of how are things going? Like, what do we do? Do we put this on the market right now for the apartment? Since it takes five or six months to close or sell on something.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

You'd have to sell it first, and it would have to find Buyer, and then it's it's extremely three to five months after that. Oh yeah, extremely slow process.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

Unless you're paying cash for something. Again, this is what we said. So there are some things that if you wanted to do this and you're like, oh, I've got money, no problem, then you're gonna have different issues or problems than we are.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

And that's how it works in the US too, though. If you can buy a house with cash, you just do it.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

Right. Well, and you know, even my my mom asked, are we would we have been better off being someplace that has more of an expat community? In some respects, maybe, but maybe not, because it's so much more expensive to live there. So I think that would increase stress in a lot of different ways. And while we might have some more connections, I think we finally, though, are at the point where we feel comfortable enough to take advantage of the connections that are around us. I think literally the first six months when you do something like this, you're in survival mode. Um, imagine that you're on a study abroad, you're in your hiatus mode, like you're like, oh, everything's so wonderful. You never get past that honeymoon phase, and you're not living in the quote unquote real world all of the time, right? And so we've gone past the honeymoon phase. Um, we are have been and are living in the real world, and that, you know, trying to make all of those things work, it's not gonna be easy, but we still feel like it's worth it.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

Well, and based on our financial situation, you know, we could even if we lived in a place with expats, we can't do what so many of them do and send kids to private school for $20,000 a year. Our kids have to go to public school and struggle, or we did find the more affordable online American school that there was an expat who suggested to use and that would work and is not that's something that's not a problem for us.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

But as far as here in the country, it's either private school at 15 to 20,000 a year, or public schools.

SPEAKER_01 24:05

Well, there's public schools, there's smaller like Portuguese private schools, which are generally Catholic schools, and they're still a few thousand, four thousand euro a year, and the nearest one from us is still 40 minutes away. Um, and then there's the international schools, and international schools really are expensive. Um, and they're also not always successful. I mean, we found several people who sent their child to international school and they've not been successful in the transition, and so that's this is where we have conversations. I would say though that um networking, all the networking we've been doing, I think is really important because it also is giving us a place to say, I don't know what to do here. You know, what do I do? What's the question here? And then people actually are saying, Oh my god, we just did this. Um, and so it's nice, there's a there's a cohort of us that are right around that same time. Um, that are, you know, like there are some that are eight or nine months in, and we're like six, seven months in, and then we have people who are a little bit behind us, so we just start sharing the love, and I think that that makes a big difference. But Braga is really our our town and our area, and I can't imagine us living anywhere else. I think we would have hated it. That would have made it really easy to go because culturally we are definitely we we fit where we are, it's definitely closer to home.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

I think Lisbon would have been overwhelming.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

Yeah, I think that we just would have made our our community much smaller than what it is. Like we would have we would have lived within a few block radius of where we were, you know. And I think that's fine, but it's not what we were looking for.

SPEAKER_00 25:45

So I guess the main message, and maybe this is more directed at us, yeah, is just don't be naive about things. I don't think we were. I think we knew that this would happen. But you know, when you talk to people and they're like, I'm gonna move, well, think about it. It doesn't mean you shouldn't. Just be realistic. As the dentist said to you about the mouth guard, it's not a panacea. That's the word. Isn't that literally the word he used?

SPEAKER_01 26:11

That is the literal word that he used. This is not a panacea. You still have to do the work and you still have to find ways to relieve stress and deal with some of the things that you were dealing with before. I would say we've been much more successful at that here, though, than we were in Iowa. Um, and that there are a long list of things that we we've improved that we will never give up if we ever do have to move back. Um, and that will be a really hard decision because no one wants to do it. Um, we know it's a good possibility, it's a possibility. We could look at each other maybe in a year and say we've done what we accomplished, but we're we're in it now, and things are starting to kind of get in a groove and feel like it's right, but it's a definite scary commitment process right now. And there's a lack of control uh that we already always have had. We've always had that lack of control, but it becomes infinitely more apparent when you're in a culture that is not your own. That's true, and I think that that's one of the things that you have to you have to let go of. Um, so I'd say, you know, keep on keeping on is where we are, and I do believe that we're doing all of the right things and that we are having the good conversations, um, and that we're where we meant to be at the moment. Um, so working hard. That's what we're doing over here.

SPEAKER_00 27:38

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 27:39

Hopefully in a couple of weeks we'll be a little bit more upbeat and let you know how things are, but we're nervous um because we've got a closing on Tuesday, and we don't even get to move in, not until December, because we're ready to get back to the people who own it now so they can do renovations on the house that that they're trying to move into. And so it's one of those things, too, where you're like, okay, we'll just uh make it work and see how it goes.

SPEAKER_00 28:03

Yep. All right, I think this is episode number 20 for us.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

Oh, sorry, El, you're you're getting it blow by blow.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

But I think that it also provides a good window into the realities of movie. I mean, our last two episodes were our five things we wish that we had known before we moved, and the five things that we're glad of since we moved. I think that some of that helps to hopefully open a few eyes about the realities of it. It's not good or bad, it's just the realities of what happens when you move. And same thing with this episode, it's just the realities of yeah, if it wasn't these things, it would be something else.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

Absolutely. And I think that it's all give and take. You just have to decide where your priorities are and what are the things you want to spend your time on, and and we're spending our time working to create our family life the way we would like it to be, and we also acknowledge there are things out of our control, and we're throwing the dice and we shall see how it goes.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

It's amazing how easily we can dispense this worldly knowledge to other people.

SPEAKER_01 29:10

And yet I'm having panic attacks, and you are too, or like going, oh my god, what are we gonna do? I think that you haven't seen us in the middle of this, you've seen us as we've processed quite a bit, and that makes a big difference. Lots of processing and messages to my therapist and conversations with family and my mom and all of the processing we've already done. We know it's not gonna be easy, and we also know that there is a good possibility we're gonna have to move back. Um, and if we do, we've had conversations as to what that would look like as far as where, and now we just have to see how things go and if we have to go with plan B or not.

SPEAKER_00 29:51

Yep. All right. Well, join us again next time on another episode of As the Dinosons Turn.